Tyler

I miss him. I’m sure I always will. He is a part of me, a part of me that has stood the test of time- a stone monument of my heart that I look to when I forget who I am or what I live for.  He reminds me of love in it’s purest form before expectations, and heartbreak, and walls and boobytraps were erected in the space only love should be.

He reminds me of what it was to feel alive, which is perhaps the most ironic gift of all. He takes me back to the sweet possibility of youth, 1520599_443631512433113_1206441568_nand all of the dreams I dreamed.

Tyler, my first love, my guardian light, my forever friend, I feel you with me, now and always.

Thank you for bringing me back to me, again and again. The catharsis of tears that I so often have to lure out from hidden cavities within myself, are always waiting patiently at the doorstep of your name.

Thank you for allowing me to feel the full spectrum of love, from it’s infancy to its maturity and thank you for giving me one of the greatest lessons I’m still learning- how to love and let go, and keep loving. How to give into the pain when I want none of it, and how to have nothing left to ask of you and only love to give.

Simplify

I’ve been thinking. In general, just thinking and my mind chasing its own tail, racing around itself on possible choices and the paths those possible choices would create. While in part choice equals freedom, it also can equal being completely arrested by the potentials that “choice” represents.

simplify

I find solace from the chaos of my mind in small acts of relative unimportance.

In cleaning my office, organizing my kids’ artwork, making food for the week. Being decisive in small ways that amount to a larger tangible payoff when combined.

This too, seems to be the illusion of future;  that there is any one choice that supersedes any other. Maybe what you have for lunch is as important as whom you marry. Maybe only because we are equally as guided in both situations and they hold equally as much weight in the unfolding of our futures. They both matter. And they both do not.

I believe we are here to unfurl from the tightness of attachments- to open. To open, open and open more. Each “choice” big or infinitesimally small being a doorway to opening. I think that ultimately this opening is leading us to be free from the attachment of our experience of identity and “reality” itself.  We are thrust continuously into the walls of our own creation only to realize we can reach right through them.

When I feel powerless by the exhaustion of choice I’ve made a habit of slowing down and simplifying. Of cleaning, weeding, and doing the little things that I can experience a direct result from completing. I think it settles the nerves to feel in control, as illusory as this is and as ever evolving as the to-do’s are, we need to feel the reigns between our fingers at times,  in order to release ourselves into the momentum of the galloping horse.