x + y =

There are some things you just can’t quantify- creativity, balance, sense of self, to name a few. We cannot quantify emotion, we cannot quantify joy or fulfillment or apathy. We cannot quantify the meat of what makes us, us at any given moment.

Unlike days, or years, or the GPS of our external environment, our internal environment has no laws or boundaries. It is in reckless rebellion to structure and order.

The stuff that matters live like nomads in the jungle of our souls and who are we to say where the boundaries are? Where one country, one emotion, begins and where another ends?

I feel like I am learning how to be alone again. Maybe it’s that im learning how to accept myself, as me, right now.

Would’nt it be easy if “right now” just didnt change? But that is the illusion, that there is any definition of right now. Right now can only exist in the framework of there being a NOT right now. But we know that doesn’t exist. There will never be a not right now, there will never be a right now, there will just be this element, this essence of our experience at any given quantifiable breath, that we will try to box into a singular moment.

We elude ourselves.We dance between ourselves, we come up for air from ourselves. But we photo (3)will always be sandwiched and sometimes whiplashed-by this experience and trying to describe this experience.

I think that’s where poetry comes in. Poetry IS the threshold. Poetry is NOT the experience, and our descriptors in words and syntax and sounds are only sign posts.  But poetry is the most gallant effort our hearts make at self reflection, or this insatiable urge to quantify self.

Sunflowers and Ivy

My son asks, “Why is the sunflower sad?” Somehow already knowing that when we pluck the IMG_5157pretty things we love and reinvent them in a vase, a container, a set of definitions- they are already dead.

It is so much more about what we don’t know, rather than what we do. When we “don’t know” we are vulnerable but we are also free- this quality is the radiance of youth.

Our culture is founded so strongly on the attainment of knowledge of knowing and understanding more and more and more. We climb the ladder of knowledge that is strangled in the  ivy of “success”, “accomplishment”, “self worth”. Only to look down periodically at a beautiful landscape of billion colors that is getting farther and farther away all the while the air is getting thinner and thinner where we are headed.

And still too, this is a juxtaposition. The more we know the less free we are to create in some ways. And, at the same time,  words and the innate defining of our lives- gives shape to this amorphous experience of who we are and how we fit into the world within us that becomes this world around us.